Bleed It Out for Sunshine: The rooms in my head

I’m sitting here at my kitchen table which has become my favorite place to write. My little one is happily in cartoon land and wanders in to “check on me” from time to time. She does not know that I can watch her from my vantage point. I get a kick out of it. She is unaware that my gaze is upon her as she dives deeply into her ever growing imagination. I did not feel like writing tonight for that reason though. It is just a random observation that I threw in for me more than for you guys as my brain tends to switch gears according to its own whims and I am ever just along for the ride. That being said, know I have no idea where this is going or where it will lead. It may go nowhere. I am ok with that. You might find it an exercise in futility and wish you could get those minutes back that you wasted reading this in its entirety. If so, I owe you one. Management will see that you are compensated with your choice of prizes. I hear door number three has a very good masseuse who only knows the phrases, “Yes” and “Would you like some more”.  For the rest of you, follow me if you will. I cannot promise adventure or for this to make a lick of sense. For those of you who know me, this will not shock you as I have always been weird and unusual.

Have I lost any of you yet? Well cool beans and frito beams. I guess we should board this train wreck waiting to happen. By the way, I have no earthly idea what a frito beam is, but I want one now. I just pictured a cannon that shoots them delicious corn chips covered with chili and cheese. Someone get on making one of those and yesterday! I guess this is a good time to mention that yes, I really am like this. No, I am not under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Okay, I do take blood pressure medication. That does not count. That just keeps me on this side of the dirt. Just the way I like it unless I am building sand castles and then it doesn’t matter anyway. I am getting off topic here. Quit distracting me with your awesomeness. I am trying to tell a story here. Geesh.

Anywho, I have been contemplating starting a blog of my own. Several of my online friends have them and it is a joy to read each one of their posts. To date, I can only count how many people who have ever read anything that I have put out into the world on one hand. That is not very encouraging, is it? Don’t worry. I am not here to whine or shout “PAY ATTENTION TO ME”! I am uncomfortable under the spot light unless I am playing music. Then I am in the zone and forget that there is an audience in attendance. I play from the soul and lose myself in the music. It is an empowering experience. I miss it.  Since, I no longer can perform for people, I have turned to another form of expression. A good friend of mine calls it “the bleed”. After many years of silence, it seems I have quite a bit to say. The hardest thing to decide is what to say first as many ideas bounce around my head in a constant chaotic dance. If you will indulge me just a moment, I will tell you what this is like.


When I journey into my mind, I like to visualize a huge house. Depending on my mood, it might be a cheerful country cottage or an abandoned mansion that has fallen in disrepair. The funny thing is, it is usually the mansion I see, not because I am always sad, but because I think it looks really damn cool. I am a sucker for creepy looking places. I blame that on my unending love for horror. I think I was still in elementary school when I walked in on my parents watching “The Night of the Living Dead.” I cannot tell you which one it was, but the image of a decomposed corpse dragging itself along the floor with its intestines trailing behind it has been burned into my long term storage banks. The dude had no legs! Just a torso with intestines dangling out behind it! I don’t know what the hell it was doing because I did not stick around long enough to find out. The details of what occurred after my screaming flight from the living room have long been erased from the Library of the Sponge. Jeepers I just gave myself a fright. Where was I? I need to get that image out of my head or I will never sleep tonight. Oh, the house of my mind. Anyway, the outside really does not matter. It is the inside that is interesting.

Normally, I would not let a soul inside of my head much less inside of the doors to my inner thoughts. Since you have hung with me thus far, I figure you are here for the long haul. Fair warning, before you enter this sanctuary, the place where I truly live, you will be judged. It will not be by me, per say. It will be by whatever strange magic commands my soul. I have just learned to go with the flow and ride out whatever it has in store for me. I don’t always do so with grace, but damn it, I try. The embodiment of this entity stands before you in the form of two heavy doors adorned with ever changing images. Some will stir your blood in a frenzy of lust and desire. Others will freeze it, leaving you broken and in despair. Still others will warm you from within until you feel as if you will burst with joy and ecstasy. Stand on the welcome mat and if you are found worthy, the images will halt and show your soul to us both, the doors will open. If you are unworthy, well, let’s set that bridge on fire when we get to it.

I see you are afraid. The unknown can be a bit intimidating. Think of it this way, if you stay inside of your protective bubble, afraid that something terrible will happen to you, nothing ever will. You will never have one experience. This leads to a life of regret. Screw that with no lube. A little bit of bravery now and reap the rewards later. Besides, you have to admit it. You are curious what is inside of my head. If I am honest, I am not even sure what we will find.  Don’t look at me like that. It might be my head but it doesn’t mean I know what will be haunting its rooms at any given time. I am going to be just as surprised as you. Hell, even I have to stand in judgment before I can enter and it is my damn head! So, if you would be so kind to get this show on the road, we can dive into the fun. You, doormat, feet. Go.

Well, aren’t we the twisted little demon. You look sweet and innocent but that smile has much more mischief in it than I expected. Oh my turn? You better go ahead inside then. No I will wait here. Don’t worry. I’m sure there is nothing too deadly inside. Ugh, there is that look of distrust again. Alright. I shall go in with you. I’m wondering now if my doors are malfunctioning. Never before have I run across someone so skittish. Does this look like the face of a serial killer to you? Never mind, don’t answer that. Let’s go exploring.  All of this yapping away is really boring my socks off and I am sure that you don’t want me to catch cold.

Usher time, I guess. Let me change into my sexy tour guide persona complete with smoky voice so you get the full effect. You know what, I have a better idea. Why don’t we dress up for this monumental occasion? It is not every day that I get a guest as distinguished as yourself. We just need to slip into something better suited for our excursion. You want me to go first? Sure, why not. SNAP! What is this look of dissatisfaction on your face? You don’t like my dress? Well, just so you know, emerald green brings out my eyes. That’s not it, is it? Oh, you thought I was going to strip down naked in front of you. SNAP! There you are changed. I am just going to ignore that last thought of yours. There is no time for playful exploration as your eyes will have plenty to feast upon shortly. Now come. I have such delights in store for you.

DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR! Now you’ve done it. There is a reason why it has a sign that says, “DO NOT ENTER”.  I know it looks like an empty broom closet to you. You just let out the only creature in this place that can release the thing in the basement. You better pray we catch it before it finds its way down there. The tour is over. Now we have to hunt. Be careful for this entity can be both cunning and tricky. Stay close to me. If we get separated, there will be no telling if you are really you if we meet again. I would hate to lock you in that closet for eternity instead of the creature.

Since we are in a world powered by imagination, the rules of reality do not apply here with the exception of one. If you believe your injuries are real, your body will be injured in the real world. Trust me when I say this, it is harder to shake off the feeling of drowning while on fire than you realize. Gear up and stay close. The creature can be anywhere and we still have to worry about the traps of my mind. It can be just as mischievous. Quit panicking. You wanted adventure. I warned you to be careful of what you wished for. Oh I didn’t? Must have forgotten that in my ramblings. No worries. We are here now. Might as well see where this goes. Now come on. Daylight is a burning, yo.

Even though this deviant from hell is a master of disguise, I have caught it before. Last time, I used myself as bait and lured it into that closet. I doubt it will fall for that again unless you wish to be bait. No. Alright but you are no fun at all. I want an adventure. You can’t scare me. Blah. Blah. Blah. That’s better. Puff out that chest and conjure yourself some wares of destruction and mayhem. Speaking of which, I think I hear our wayward soul now. Follow me to the Library of the Sponge. It is where I store all of my knowledge and memories. Damn it. Last time that thing was in there, I forgot a ton of my childhood. Okay, um before we go in here, just remember that I am a book worm and try not to judge too much. You ready?


Holy donkey balls! Of course it would leave all of the times I was socially awkward but tear how to ride a bike to shreds. On second thought, that might be too terrible. I don’t exactly see myself needing to do that any time soon. What are you laughing about? Yes, I know it is funny that a group of my friends duct taped my hands and feet together in my mother’s front yard. It was a riot. In my defense, it took eight of them to do it.  I know they left me there. Just rub it in. This is payback for making fun of you earlier huh? No, don’t go over there! Damn it. You just had to look at the bookshelf of Bad Hair Dos. Go ahead laugh at the time I had hair shorter than most boys. Dig in deeper. You will find the time where I am pretty sure I had a mullet. No, I’ll wait while you pick yourself off of the floor. It isn’t like I have a spawn of Satan incarnate running around in my head. Take your time. That is enough. No more spelunking for you. We have a mission to accomplish. Afterwards, you can knock yourself out in the many pages of my hilarious life.

We must have just missed our target. Let’s check upstairs. Wait a second! I don’t remember a rug here! Hold on to the banister! Don’t let it suck you in! Forget your pants just grab my arm and let me pull you out. Whew. That was a close one. No, that wasn’t the creature. Remember I told you my mind is a mischievous one. Nice jockeys by the way. They are rather dashing. Don’t be embarrassed. You do have nice legs. Anywho, quit distracting me and cover thyself. We are on a hunt after all.

The upstairs consists mostly of nightmares, wet dreams, oddities, and junk closets overflowing with random thoughts. They are marked so don’t go opening any more doors. You’ve caused enough trouble already. Hey! What did I say about opening anymore doors? My fantasies are none of your business. Shut up you. You weren’t supposed to see that. If you must know, yes I can do that thing you are referring to and no I will not give you a demonstration and where the hell are your pants?! Seriously. WE have bigger problems right now. Do you hear that scratching sound? Our prey is close. I think it is right around this next bend……..

I swear. That was a test of patience. You guys feel like that was dragging on and on too? I have to admit, I had to off that guy before we got to the whole, “here is the monster” bit. Too damn annoying. The pervert. I had to kill him off. He forgot that one rule, if you believe it will happen, it will happen. I hate that he filled my head with all that untidy bodily fluids and limbs. So messy and it really has enough going on in there as it is. I didn’t even get to the really good stuff. We might both have to see Management about door number three.

Well, you just got a glimpse inside my head. I know it sucks but it does have its pleasant sides. I am usually playful by nature. I love to laugh and have a good time. There is the worry wort in me that tries to think fifteen steps ahead so I can build a future worth living. This may seem bad, but through way more hard work than seems fair some days, I have managed to do just that. I even have a hopeless romantic side that I loathe to admit that I have within me. I have a tough version of me that takes on the world and shapes it as best I can. She is my rock. She is a fighter that looks defeat in the eye and asks “Is that all you’ve got?”.  It seems I have to use her the most. Everything I have, I have to fight for. Rarely is anything easy. It is tough but I keep clawing my way ever forward. In that jumbled mess, somewhere I find the courage to carry on with my day.

The monster that is within? Yeah it is there. It is a nasty beast but I never let it out of the basement. That creature has two sides to it. One is completely without mercy. It destroys everything in its path. It is a scourge up on the world. It doesn’t feel and will not hesitate to use and abuse you before leaving your body torn and bleeding on the floor. The other side is a manipulative bitch. She will do the same thing as the scourge except you will never see her coming. I hate her worst of all. Down in the darkness they will stay. I would rather die than be either of those two people. There has been a time where I let these two out to play. It is the darkest part of my life. I tried to be someone I am not and I got repaid for my deeds ten-fold in the deepest of sorrows. I learned who I did not want to be and every day that I am my true self, a little more of those monsters die. I am happy to say that now, they are almost dust.

As for the bleed? Well, to be honest here, I think this was mostly for myself. Believe it or not, I exercised a few demons while writing this. I know we did not get anywhere inside my head. You only saw a few glimpses into what makes me tick. They were mundane at best. Here is the kicker, though. I don’t usually let people in that far. Very few souls get to plunder the depths. I can only think of one who has been brave enough to dig deeper. Stick around. One day, I will bleed some more for you. In the process, we will both find the sunshine that dwells in the darkness. After all, we are but souls floating on the sea of life, ever moving forward towards that horizon.


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