Hello there, random human! I am the Happiness Fairy. Hello? Hello? Blast. You cannot hear me. I keep forgetting humans cannot see or hear me unless I am their size. POOF!
Oh, sorry to startle you. Was that coffee dreadfully hot? Here let me blow on it. Oh dear. I am just making a bigger mess. Hold on. I have a nice, clean hanky. Just hold still and I shall mop this up in no time. There! All better.
I am dreadfully sorry about that. Let us start over, please. You are so very kind. I am the Happiness Fairy. I know. I know. I am not doing so swell thus far. To be fair, this is my first day on the job. I just graduated from the Fairy Academy of Excellence this very morning. No, you are right. I was not the top of my class, but I do try very hard.
Okay. Look. No, look. I can make up for that coffee debacle. How about a fresh, raspberry filled donut? Sounds delightful, doesn’t it? They are your favorite? Fantastic!! Well, here you go!
Ah boogers. I did it again. The raspberries were ice cold and the donut was hot as lava. That was not very appetizing. I conjured the whole thing in your mouth to boot. How’s your tongue? Blistered it a bit. Look on the bright side, the raspberries did help to melt the icing from scorching the roof of your mouth. Hey! I could cure those blisters in a jiffy! Now hold still you. I cannot understand a word you are saying. Really. Where are your manners? Don’t you know it is rude to talk with your mouth full. Why are you crying? I only pulled out a little of your hair when I held you down. Besides, that is a great new look for you. Just you wait. You will be a trend setter. Everyone will want to have this look.
You are so tense. I know what you need. You need a vacation. How does a tropical island sound to you? You can lie on the beach, drink fruity drinks, soak up the sun. You are game? Wonderful! Alright, one tropical destination coming right up. I can do this, no problem……..POOF!
Don’t look at me like that. You try transporting someone around the world. It was just a little volcano. Your hair will grow back. Think of all of the time you will save in the shower now. Your legs? You can wear short pants year round now. Seriously, you have to stay positive. I stopped the bleeding and everything. There is no pleasing you, is there. I am going to have to try harder.
Let me think. What can I do to make you happy? Quiet you. I am trying to think. Oh if you insist on screaming I will have to sew your mouth closed. Oh for the love of all things awesome! Where’s my sewing needle? I know I have one in this pack. Damn. Well, this rusty nail will just have to do. Why are you crawling away? You know I am going to catch you. You have no legs silly.
There. Now I can think. I don’t know how anyone gets anything done in your presence. You really are a noisy human. Stop picking at the stitches. You are going to pull them out. Ugh, enough with the crawling away. That’s it! I am trying to make you happy damn it! Come back here! You’ve lost your arm privileges. You don’t need your arms right now anyway.
Now, just lie here quietly. No, no, shhhh……shhhh….no more crying. I’ve got it. I know what to do to make you happy. Don’t look so scared. I promise to make it quick. Just one knock on the head with this rock and you can finally catch up on all of that sleep you humans are always going on about. I’m giving you the ultimate gift here. Eternal happiness and sleep. You are most welcome, human. I can see your tears of joy. I just wish you had told me this is what you wanted in the beginning. Don’t worry. I know what to do now. You really have been the best teacher I have ever had. Listen to me rambling on. I’ll count us down. Ready? On three…..One…two…three….