When I originally sat down to write tonight, I fully intended to describe a feeling I got while driving home. I was listening to Breaking Benjamin’s song, “Ashes of Eden”. The words hit me right down to my very soul when I first heard it. It described a powerful feeling inside of me that scares the ever living shit out of me.
The funny thing is, that just now, I read the two thousand odd words that I had written and somehow it had turned into a rant. Instead of breathing life and love into my soul, the very thing I felt when I listened to that song, it became a running list of every insecurity I have inside of me. I did not even realize that I had done it until that moment. I took a break to reflect on what I wrote by sitting on my back porch and looking at the stars. There is something about the tranquility of the night that clears my head. It was then that I fully understood why I had derailed so far.
I have had the misfortune of dating some real losers. I used to attract a strange assortment of men. One type are the men that are old enough to be my father. My parents are in their early 50’s. I have to be careful because if I date older men, they can’t be too much older because then they remind me of them. My cut off age is 43. I tried once to date someone much older and it was a disaster. He treated me like a child and that only succeeded in pissing me off. Lesson learned.
The second type is the guy who either does not have a job or does not wish to better himself. I have to clarify this one. I am not a snob that I will turn my nose up when faced with a blue collar worker. The type I am talking about is the guy who has no ambitions and thinks that I am here to support him, a leach in other words. There is a huge difference between someone who is struggling in their profession, trying to work their way up the ladder, and someone who wishes everything to be handed to them. I always seem to find the latter. This drives me completely bonkers. I work my ass off and have to sacrifice a lot, clawing and fighting for everything that I have. Is it really too much to ask that my partner do the same?
The third type of guy I attract is the silver tongued devil. This is the guy I loathe the most. He is the one that will manipulate my feelings and lead me along. Despite having an IQ of 175, I fall for the lies. Sometimes, pure loneliness wins out over my better senses. That voice in the back of my head pleads with me to wake up and see reality for what it is, but I don’t listen.
So while sitting in my porch swing, listening to the bugs outside calling out to their mates, I thought about why this song has such a powerful hold on me and why I turned something potentially beautiful into total garbage. The answer was simple. I was frightened.
I have been pregnant twice in my life. I lost the first baby. The second is my miracle child. She is the only one I will ever have. I have had pregnancy scares prior to both of these. Each time, now that I look back on it, I knew I was not really pregnant. With each actual pregnancy, I knew without a doubt and taking the test was just to make it official. I just knew that I was. I bring this up because it pertains to love.
I have thought I was in love with someone before but in deep down, I knew better. My instincts cried out for me to listen to reason but I ignored them because, “What if I am wrong?”. I was not. Now, I have found that I do love someone. There is no voice protesting this fact. I just know that it is real. More to the point, I know that this person is my soul mate. I have thought long and hard over the years about this particular topic. I know what I want out of life and I know what kind of person I wish to share it with. I know what kind of man it will take to build a future with. I have found him.
He is not perfect. I don’t wish him to be. That would mean that he is not being true to who he is and a lie is not what I want. Here is what scares me, my own insecurities fucking everything up. This is what I realized while sitting in the dark. My original post was filled with every insecurity I possess. I have body image issues. Some days, I rise above them, knowing that they are not real and others, they win. I have confidence issues. I don’t think I am good enough for someone else, hence why I attract losers. They feed off that shit.
The funny thing is, I know these things about me. Ninety-nine percent of the time, these demons are locked securely in their cages. I took time off from dating, spending the last couple of years, so that I could learn to love myself again. I know what kind of person I am and I know that I am worth more than a notch in someone’s belt.
We all have these moments. Our hope fades just a little and the darkness threatens to put out our inner lights. The old doubts start to trickle in and if we are not careful, they can consume us. To let them do this, undoes everything we have worked so hard to build within ourselves. We must find strength that we never knew we possessed before to fight. There is a difference between tearing yourself down and giving yourself a dose of tough love. I kicked my own ass, so to speak and because of this, hope flourishes again.
As far as the song goes, I have listened to it again after writing all of the above. So, if this is the case, why did this song bring all of my demons rushing out into the open? That’s easy. I am not perfect either. I have my flaws. This song just reminded me of every single one of them. That is not a terrible thing, after all. It means I know who I am truly. If you don’t know who you truly are, how are you to ever recognize your soul mate? After all, they are your other half.
I leave you with this last thought….
Music is a powerful conduit to the soul.
Don’t let your own fears block its message.
Learn to celebrate your flaws.
Learn to love yourself.
Trust that another will love you.
In the end, never….ever….give up hope, for true love is out there.
Now. Forever. Always.