Gather the troops! We have an intruder in our lands! Who dares to enter my kingdom? Speak up or it is to The Pit with you!
Oh, I see it is just you. You should really announce your visits. If I had not been in attendance this evening, you surely would have found yourself in quite the pickle indeed. Guards, stand down. This one is not to be harmed. Bring me the insolent that is manning the gates tonight. I think my friend here would like to see The Yeti in action.
Who is The Yeti? Have you been living under a rock? His actions are legendary. You live in a place called “reality”. That explains a lot. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but that particular place does not exist, my wayward friend. Don’t believe me? By the time this night is through, you will. I am not the ruler of Left Field just because I look extremely sexy in these here spectacles. You have to admit it though; I do look like a naughty librarian on her day off. On that note…..shhhhhh and don’t raise those eye mustaches at me in that tone or you will be marked “Overdue”.
Where was I? Ah, yes, The Yeti. Follow me. I shall introduce you to him. Don’t touch anything on your way through this corridor. You might lose a finger or two. I like to leave little surprises scattered about the castle. It keeps the staff on their toes. You would be surprised how efficient they are if properly motivated. They serve me well and I let them live in peace and prosperity. It is really that simple. What’s that? You wish to know what happens if they disobey me? Don’t worry your pretty little head. It is much more fun to show you. All in good time, my friend. All in good time.
You are in luck. It is the Yeti’s night off. He should be in the garden relaxing or swimming in the horny shark tank. No, I said “horny” not horned. Whomever heard of a horned shark? It is a silly notion. You’ve never seen a horny shark. Well, I must say that you are in for a real treat. I have an Olympic sized pool filled with them. The sides are clear so you can see them better. If you are really brave, you can climb up the spiral staircase on that far side, then walk around to the feeding platform. It is the best place to see them in action. I must warn you. Be careful to stay away from the edge. I will not be responsible for you if you were to fall into the tank. I think you will find the results most unsatisfactory.
Don’t care to go up the stairs? Such a pity. I find it rather poetic to see them at work. Between the two of us, I may have teared up a time or two watching their performance. Let that be our little secret, alright? Marvelous! You are such a wonderful friend. I will have to award you if we ever find The Yeti. I wonder where he could be? Never mind. We will find him eventually. Look! There are the guards now with that reject who was on duty tonight. It looks like you will get to see the horny sharks work their magic after all. Give me just a second to speak with my game keeper.
Wonders never cease. I have just learned that the sharks are especially rowdy right now. They have been deprived today of their daily amusements. We are in for one hell of a show! Come, we can watch from my booth. You are going to love this! Sitting comfortably? Can you see from there? Good. Game keeper, you may begin when you are ready.
Why are you covering your eyes? I will have to describe it to you if you will not watch. Now, the game keeper is slowing lowering tonight’s offering over the tank. The sharks can smell the man and are forming a circle below him. Here is a nifty tidbit for you. The sharks will continue to swim in that perfect circle even after the man is dropped into the water. They even have enough self-control to allow him to swim out of the circle if he chooses to do so. He has been dropped into the water.
I don’t believe he is a very good swimmer. He is going to splash half the water out of the pool the way he is flopping around. I really cannot see a thing from here. Wait, he has calmed down now. He’s made it to the edge of the pool! Wow! He better get out quickly because the sharks are after him. You really should uncover your eyes and watch this.
He has one leg up on the side of the pool. Oh no! He has fallen back in! I may have forgotten to mention that the sides of the pool are kept extra slippery. The entire staff knows this but it looks like that information has completely slipped this poor man’s mind. Does not matter. The sharks have him. He will never escape their wild passions. Don’t worry. They won’t eat him. I told you already. They are horny sharks. What? They need love too. Close your mouth. People are going to start thinking you are slow.
Damn! Here I am blabbing away with you and I missed him escaping the tank! We cannot see from here. Let me move our booth over to the next part of the obstacle course. I did not tell you it has more than one challenge? You will have to forgive me. I have been in the War Room all day planning an invasion on Right Field. I’ll give you a quick rundown of each challenge.
Calm down. No one gets molested in this part of the arena. My top generals and I have trained squirrels to use chainsaws. It was a rather tricky experiment but in the end, we pulled it off nicely. The key was to engineer the squirrels so that they grew larger. They are roughly the size of your average Great Dane. Once we accomplished that and to be honest, there were many errors along the way, we were able to move to the training phase. What did we do with the failed experiments? They were fed to the “volunteers” in my Salt Mines. I’ll get to those shortly.
If the prisoner can outrun the squirrels and make it to that green barrier, without being cut into tiny little bits, then they move onto the next challenge.
I got the idea for the Camouflage Cactus after watching cartoons one night. There is a certain coyote that goes after this speeding bird from hell. He is very clever but the bird seems to out-maneuver him at every turn. Anywho, one night he was painting a rock to look like a tunnel through the mountain side. That is when it hit me! Camouflage! Cactus is a terribly painful plant. Wouldn’t it be just dreadful if you could not see them before you fell into their prickly clutches? As you can see by our determined prisoner here, it is not a leisurely stroll in the countryside.
He made it to the next challenge. Good for him!
If a prisoner is as lucky as this fellow here, he gets a chance for a reprieve. Before him stands the head ladies of my bordellos. He may choose two of the ladies to keep him company for the night. He must choose wisely for two out of the three are deadly. If he is lucky enough to pick the gentlest one out of the three, he will spend the night with this lady only and be rewarded come morning.
First up, we have Lemonade Lucy. You see her golden hair spills over top her voluptuous curves. I hear her pouty lips are a delight when she is fully cranked up. Next, is Scrubby Dubby Debbie. She has a skin fetish. She loves to work it over nice and deep. You will feel like putty when she is through with you. Finally, there is Bloody Betty. I know her glowing red eyes and bloody clothes are off putting to some, but she is a real treasure. The things she can do with those hands of hers.
Let’s see who our new friend picks, then I will let you in on what kind of happy ending he will receive. He has chosen Lemonade Lucy and Scrubby Dubby Debbie. Poor Bloody Betty. I will have to send her a special treat later tonight when you and I are done visiting. So, about those happy endings. What I am about to tell you not even my servants know. Can I count on you to keep my secret? Fantastic! Once again, I knew you were just the best of friend.
Our gentleman in waiting will get the pleasure of Scubby Dubby Debbie first. She will strip him naked and tie him to four straps on a table. Then she gets her belt sander and this fabulous extra course sandpaper. He has had a rough night and a deep tissue massage will make sure all of those cacti needles are removed. I have to admit. She does get a bit heavy handed at times. He might be missing a few layers of skin if she hits her groove too early. The last guy she buffed right down to the muscle tissue. It was a very slimming look, I must say.
Once Scubby Dubby Debbie is done, Lemonade Lucy comes in with the refreshments. After all, running for your life is thirsty work. She is a sweet girl, unfortunately, she is also very clumsy. Her lemonade is also pretty terrible. I keep telling her to add sugar but she always forgets. Pretty much, it is just straight lemon juice and if you are lucky, a little water. More than likely, that poor man will wind up wearing more than he gets to drink.
I spent a little more time explaining the bordellos than was probably necessary. Let’s move on to the Salt Mines.
I shall keep this brief as our time here is growing short. The Yeti, who we still have not located, goes out in search of “volunteers” to work in the mines. Yes, the quotes around the word volunteers is necessary. Good workers are difficult to find. People say they want a steady job but when the first day of work arrives they do nothing but whine and complain. “This is too hard.” Blah, blah, blah, ad nausea. I honestly don’t understand the issue. They work 18 hours a day, every day until they die. We provide food rations, water, mud cots, and clothing. I don’t understand what all of the fuss is about. So they have to do a little “hard” labor. So the work conditions are medieval. It builds character. Bunch of softies.
Pretty much everyone who gets sentenced to The Never Ending Pit-O-Despair, never leaves. There is a reason why it was given its name. You are tortured for all of eternity or until you die whichever comes first. The ingenious part is that The Yeti is the warden. He dishes out the daily punishments as he sees fit. I pretty much let him do whatever he wishes. Sometimes he tears the limbs off of a prisoner. I can always tell because he whittles the nicest chess board pieces out of the bones and gives them to me for presents. One year he fashioned and entire set of piano keys out of bones. We had them installed in that beautiful antique piano you saw on the way in.
I guess this ends the tour of my gardens. I thought for sure we would run into The Yeti out here. Speak of the devil. There he is now. Look, he wants to give you a hug! He is so loving. Careful not to squeeze our guest too hard now.
Where have you been my dear Yeti? Gathering information on a spy from Right Field. What’s that? I cannot hear you over our guest’s wheezing.
That’s the spy! My goodness! And here I was giving you a personal tour of my gardens! Sharing all of my secrets with you!
It is ok. I understand. You are just doing your job. I can show you mercy. We are friends after all. I tell you what. I will send you to spend the evening with Bloody Betty. The Yeti will escort you there. We shall talk again in the morning.
Yeti dearest, make sure to tell Bloody Betty that to give the two fist special. I want to see this one waddling like a duck in the morning. Oh and Yeti, tell her I said to have fun. She can go all the way up to her elbows if she fancies it. I’ll be up on the balcony having tea. The screams from The Pit sound exquisite tonight. Ta Ta!