Welcome to the Madness Random Citizen: It’s all about the dudes…

Scouring the internet looking for the perfect pictures can be an adventure, even at the best of times.  I have often found myself either cracking up hysterically or clicking the back button faster than a hooker spreading herpes on a busy Friday night. I decided to be a bit daring tonight and purposely hunt out the strange and unusual. Because I cannot help myself, with each picture I find, I will have to make up a wee story about it.

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It is not known by many that Mr. Bean was the original Conan the Barbarian. He had the muscles. He had the ability to fight with a sword. His legs looked great in tiny fur covered britches. Unfortunately, his snarl left something to be desired. Since it is a cross between sucking on a lemon and getting rammed in the buttocks with a war hammer, the studio felt that they would be better off photo shopping in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s head instead. Don’t tell anyone. The world was not supposed to know that photo shop has been around this long. It will be our little secret.

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Old man Jenkins has fallen on hard times since we last saw him on that cartoon with the crack team of mystery solving teenagers and their pesky dog. Back in the day, he scared the masses with his various shenanigans. Now, his Friday nights are much quieter. This does not mean he has thrown in the towel, quite the contrary. What diabolical schemes is he hiding under said yellow fluff? Judging by the lady on his TV, we should be so lucky as to never know.

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This is just something that makes me happy. I have no idea why, but I like it. Carry on.

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Meet Tom. His hobbies include knitting, wood carving, speed dating and scaring the living crap out of unsuspecting house guests. Seriously, does anyone else want to punt kick this dude right back down these stairs? Tom has a secret desire to be one with a slinky. He still has not figured out how they work. Let’s leave him to whatever the hell this is.

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Meet The Fruit Avenger. This gentleman unselfishly defends all fruits from the ravages of the Fruit-of-The-Loom underwear men. Sure those trendy fruits, peddling briefs look innocent enough, but when the cameras turn off, beware! Entire orange and apple orchards have been lost due to their insatiable sexual appetites. Don’t get me started on the grape vineyards. As  connoisseur of wine, I have to say that the Great Grape Shortage of 2013 was a particularly bad year. Thankfully, The Fruit Avenger works tirelessly in the pursuit of these fruit fiends.

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So there’s this. I am for once absolutely speechless. I have to wonder what goes through people’s minds. Who wakes up one morning and thinks to them self, “Self, you know what we should do today? I think it would be incredibly sexy to pose nude with several packages of bacon. Mildred loves bacon. We are getting laid tonight.” Ladies and gentlemen, please spice up your sex lives. Let your significant other know that their mere presence is enough to give your happy places a good tingle. Stop the bacon abuse.

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Fred heard that ladies love mustaches. Not taking any chances, he sprung into action with what he hoped would be the ultimate chic magnet, the chest-stache. At the time of this writing, I am unable to report on the success or failure of Fred’s endeavor. Several of his neighbors were questioned including Old Man Jenkins and Mildred, who’s only remark was that at least it was not bacon.

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4 thoughts on “Welcome to the Madness Random Citizen: It’s all about the dudes…”

  1. That is precisely how I climb the stairs. My brother from another mother. Love this piece, great idea and you could run with this fo’ever. Keep ’em coming and I look forward to seeing what insanity you have planned for us next.

    Liked by 2 people

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