Not all of the images below are suitable for all members of our flock! Parental birdies are advised!
Oh my feathered friends are we about to embark on a journey into the strange and unusual! Since I normally live 90% of my life in this dimension, I will happily volunteer to be your guide. You don’t look to sure about this expedition, so we will have to scrounge up some gear for you. You are in luck too! I have spent a many of sleepless nights digging through the boxes I keep in the back of my shed and I believe I have finally found exactly what you need for our journey. What? Oh don’t mind the Banshee and the Three-Headed Dog. They guard all of the skeletons and tombstones I keep out here. Now, let me show you the treasures I found just for you.
You can’t start a journey without the right clothing. I mean, who goes hiking in the wilderness without hiking boots? No one that’s who! It tends to get a bit chilly at night so I procured you this nifty sweater. You can roll yourself up like a little burrito. I know how your feet get hot so those have been left open for your convenience. It also will come in handy if you have to use the facilities. You never want to have a bad case of the “uh ohs” while trapped in your personal fortress. That tends to get a bit messy. The bum, you ask? Oh dear me. I did not think this one through. Well, don’t get a case of the “uh ohs” and you will be just fine.
Now that we have the clothing all figured out it is time to move onto food rations. We cannot be expected to walk the entire journey and carrying a huge backpack with all of our yum yums gets tiring and quick. Why carry your goodies when you can ride on top of them? Don’t let the compact design fool you. This cooler can go 0 to 60 faster than you can say “Cool beans and Frito beams”. Here is the best part, it is fueled entirely on burps. Pretty awesome right? You’re damn skippy it is! I have to warn you though, I may or may not challenge you to a light saber joust at some point. It just comes with the territory. Just let it happen and you will be just fine…..FROM THE FLAT OF YOUR BACK WHEN I SMITE YOU!. Ahem, I mean, let’s look at the next gadget in my stash.
Let’s face it. Boobs make everyone feel better. After a long, hard day on the trail, there is nothing like giving a pair of firm boobies a good squeeze as you roll yourself into the world’s biggest human burrito. These come without the annoying attachments like mouths that can ramble on about their boring day for hours. No, these are travel size and fit nicely in the palm of your hands. They even have a cute little nipple in case you need to suckle yourself asleep.
We all have needs. It is part of being human. One of these needs is to release the primordial juices regularly lest we become one of those uptight, pencil pushers with zero sense of humor…the dreaded imaginationally constipated. So, to get that sweet release a going, behold….the tiny dancer. She has moves that will make your grandmother tingle. Okay, don’t think about your grandmother tingling in her naughty bits. There is a line and you just crossed it. Next time it is to THE PIT with you. Anywho, back to our tiny dancer. She wiggles. She grinds. She busts a move better than Buster Rhymes. Hold onto your dollars because this babe dances for free so enjoy that show, yo.
This has nothing to do with our trip. I just find it amusing as hell. Quite distracting me with your wackiness! Can’t you see I have a pilgrim to ready?! Sheesh.
My grandfather always stressed the importance of leaving nature exactly how you find it or better. With this in mind, I proudly present to you the Broom and Dust pan 5000 house shoes. They come in a wide variety of styles and colors. I highly recommend the ones with the odor absorbing inserts. No one likes stinky feet. If your toes smell like cheesy chips, you are doing something terribly wrong and should refrain from escaping your burrito out of shame. We run a classy establishment here and cannot have you tainting the air with your filth. I mean, really.
Speaking of cleanliness, I almost forgot that all important bath. Body odor is a no no. Give the ole right nostril a quick flush and you get a rather pleasant smelling, mint shampoo and conditioner combo. Your hair will thank you. No tangles, no tears, remember? Give the left one a little squeeze and your senses will soar along a fresh wave of lavender. Your skin will be softer than a newborn baby’s butt after all of the afterbirth has been washed away. I must stress the word “after” here. That afterbirth is no joke. All sticky and just plain unpleasant.
Silly me! I almost forgot about the facilities! One cannot expect you to have the “uh ohs” in the woods. After all, you are not a bear. Because you should feel comfortable and relaxed, this nifty toilet welcomes you with its hands wide open. Think of it as giving back to the one who gratefully takes your shit daily and without a complaint. When you are done, just stick your index fingers into the two slots to whisk away any unnecessary excess and your are ready to go again.
To wrap up your essentials list, I found something extra special for you. It can get mighty lonely on the trail. To part those dark clouds for good, I have the Shoulder Buddy Esquire Mark Five Ball Backed Shooter Deluxe Edition, otherwise known as Bob. His constant smile will warm your heart and shine even in the darkest of nights. He is so loving that he will happily ride on your shoulders as you hum along on your cooler scooter. Did I mention he runs on morning breath? Every morning just give him a quick blow and he is ready for another adventure. Since he is the deluxe model, he will even brush your teeth for you and suck out all of that pesky food particles. Talk about a friend to the end.
I guess you are ready now. The land may be strange. It may be weird. You may be completely out of sorts at times, but with these gadgets and gizmos, you will find in no time that you fit right in. Good luck wayward traveler!