Welcome wayward travelers to the Land of the Strange & Unusual! I see that you have been putting the gear I found you in Gadgets, Gizmos & Huh? to good use. That warms my heart right down to the blood cells and fatty deposits.
Since the landscape is always changing, I thought that you might be in need of extra gear during your travels so that you can adapt at will.
We live in dangerous times and never know when we might need to defend ourselves. We are at our most vulnerable when asleep. What would you do if attacked in the middle of the night? Never fear for the Knights of the Round Night Stand have you covered. If you are like me, you sleep naked. Can you image the fear you could strike in the hearts of home invaders when you burst out of your bedroom armed with your Shield of Justice and Table Leg of Truth, while nude! Throw in a good Battle Cry of the Banshee and these miscreants will drop their guns and run for the nearest psychiatric hospital for admittance. That makes you pretty damn hard core in my book.
After battling bad guys, you may find that your pesky sinuses have turned loose in the fray. It is such an inconvenience to have to hunt down that blasted tissue box. You are half awake, just finished an epic battle with evil and now you have to blow your nose! Doesn’t seem right at all. No worries though. You remembered to strap on your Toilet Buddy 5000 before going to bed. It’s sleek design allows for the perfect amount of tissue to be within reach at all times. Talk about a time saver! As an added bonus, the chin strap is not only comfortable but it helps to tuck in those extra folds of skin. We cannot have that unsightly turkey neck flapping around in the breeze.
You’ve defended the homestead and took care of some minor housekeeping, so what to do next? You are wide awake now. Why, the high color in your cheeks and the bright sparkle in your eyes must be captured. Only one problem, there is no one around to take your picture. Rats to boogers! That won’t do. But wait! You have the solution right in your very own closet…..the Sparkle Selfie Hat of Divahood & Glamour. Who needs a photographer when you can do it yourself. Besides, you know you have been wanting to bust out your fuzzy sweaters all summer long. They feel like you are wearing soft kitten fur. Everyone loves that. Capture your heroic after moments in style. I guarantee that you will be purring in no time.
All of this action has made you hungry. No, not just hungry but famished. On an ordinary night you could stand in front of the refrigerator munching on shredded cheese straight from the bag and occasionally picking your underwear out of your butt that insists on eating it every forty-five seconds. Tonight, however, has been anything but ordinary so normal food is out. Besides, you are once again naked so the underwear munching left butt cheek will have to starve.
You are so ravenous that even your shoes are looking appealing when a brilliant idea hits you in the face like that bag of shredded cheese you were staring at earlier. No, wait, I am sorry. The cheese really did hit you in the face. Close the refrigerator door before the milk follows suit. Boogers. You still need to eat. No, don’t eat boogers. That is gross. Carefully crack open the fridge door again. I see the exact meal that you are craving, the Shoe Burger of Deliciousness and Style. I got a little heavy handed with the ketchup but otherwise you will feel human again once you devour this trendy midnight snack.
All of this excitement has you wired. You just devoured about a bazillion calories and it will go straight to your turkey neck if you don’t burn some of it off. Ah man! It is raining out AND your favorite movie is on television. Oh, but you remembered to renew your subscription to Brella Vision from Rainy Day Savers Inc. This bad boy gets better reception in a downpour than those over priced satellite services. Throw on your walking shoes and let’s get our booties a burning. Be careful when crossing the street! Oh nooooooo!!!!!!!!
Whew! That was a close one but now you are as pale as winter! Don’t fret. I have just the thing to put the color back in those soon to be rosy cheeks. Take one of Dr. Williams’s Pink Pills for Pale People. It has amazing medicinal properties. It is a little known fact that it can cure everything that it claims on the flyer plus all flatulence smells like lilies for the next 48 hours after use. You can let them rip in a crowded elevator and the other passengers will thank you for the pleasure. Let’s give it a try. Look, there is our ride now.
Oh dear. I am truly sorry about that. This is embarrassing. I could have sworn it said lilies. Now that I have my glasses on it clearly states that it will kill everything in your wake. What a dreadful mistake I have made! Those poor people. I know. The anal seepage is pretty terrible too. It smells like someone at the ass end out of a dead possum in there. Just let the doors close and it can be the next person’s problem.
Alright, we need to get you back home. I have you a nifty gadget that can handle both your rocket diarrhea while washing out your now soiled underpants. I proudly present the Toilet Machine. Just strip down and throw those filthy clothes in the washer. The vibrations from the machine are very relaxing. You will get a thorough back massage as you dump out the rest of those pale pills. Look on the bright side, you were talking about getting your colon cleansed and now you can mark it off of your to-do list. I think I will wait outside. My nostrils really cannot take any more abuse. You really stink, my friend.
Just to show you that there are no hard feelings from your stink bombs of doom, I got you this lovely oil painting to hang across from your bed. Aren’t these little ones just the cutest? I bet they are a hit at the baby day care center. I love how the eyes seem to follow you around the room. It is as if they are miniature guardians of your bed chambers.
What do you mean it is scary? Babies are not creepy. That is just silly talk. Look, it has been a wild night. Why don’t you get some rest. You have three adorable little angels watching over you. What is the worse that can happen?
Nighty night wayward traveler. We shall meet again. I almost forgot, don’t forget your vagina sleep clothes. You will feel like you back in the womb sleeping like a baby.