Behold! Hero & Villain United!

Find out how this chaos all started with Keeper of the Crimson Quills Behold Series:

Every adventure needs a beginning. What better way then to clean up the mean streets with your very own superhero   Behold: The Ultimate Superhero

Superheros would not be “super” if they did not get their metal tested. This is where Behold: The Ultimate Supervillain was born.

It was only a matter of time before these two colossal forces clashed in the ultimate battle of wills in  Behold: The Ultimate Super Skirmish

 Keeper’s intentions were honorable when he created Impervious Man. The world rejoiced and there was peace on Earth. As we all know by now, there is another more mischievous side to Keeper. It is this side that created none other than the villain of all villains, Very Worst Nightmare Girl. Her name was not the only thing that was more than a mouthful. Of course, as life would have it, things went completely catawampus when these two forces met. In the end, there were no clear winners when the dust finally settled. The Grueheads of Rivers of Grue were left wondering what in the world happened to these two titanic warriors. Who won? Are they still locked in a never ending battle? While our dearest Keeper was fleeing via The Cape of a Thousand Cheetahs to his snowy Alaskan hideout, little ole me, The Queen of the Ravens, decided to raid his laboratory. What can I say? Why should he have all the fun and be the only crazy monkey in the zoo house?

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The door to his dungeon-o-creation is unlocked. Seriously, dude? Anyone could just stroll right on in and get their “let’s design us a monster” on. Hey, don’t mind if I do. Let’s see what he has tucked on his shelves.  I’m sure he won’t mind me digging around to make sure all of his goodies are thoroughly inspected. Now, if I were Keeper, where would I hide the good stuff?  Mmmmm….oh how disappointing, everything is neatly cataloged.  I figured him for more of a chaotic pack rat, personally. Wow this dude has a ton of porn. You’d think he would build himself a woman while he was at it. Sheesh. We’ll just keep that between ourselves. Don’t want the poor guy knowing that we know he is into Alien Anal Probe Monthly. Anywho, here are all of his meticulous plans for the Panties of Penetration, The Aviation Pro Shower Hat, oh and my personal favorites The Garterang and The G. S. O. H. Ankle Bracelet. Oh tell me he left some spare parts for all of these treasures!! YES!!! I have found the honey pot friends.  Alright, sit back ladies and gentlemen.  It is time to get my mad scientist on.

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I’m thinking that after the only way to utterly defeat Keeper’s creations is to give the MOTHERNATOR! and FATHERNATOR!  a real whammy of a surprise. I’ll give you three guess as to what my delectable mind has conjured.  Give up? Ok, I will spill it. The one creation that can render all of Impervious Man’s and Worst Nightmare Girl’s little gadgets of our woeful destruction utterly useless is, ready for it….THE BABYNATOR! What can really knock the wind out of their sails, you ask? TWO BABYNATORS!! Since I am feeling particularly audacious today, I think I will make them 60 feet tall. Why you ask?  Because I can, daggnabit.   Boogers to hell, I have spent too much time in Keeper’s Lair of Creation.  I’m starting to sound like him.  That will not do.

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Ok. So we have 60 foot, twin destroyers. Check. I need to do something about Worst Nightmare Girl’s Pro-Bieber Lip Gloss. Granted, Impervious Man’s Anti-Bieber Homing Gauntlets work wonders but simply destroying them is so overrated and lacks imagination. How about Bieber Seeking Acid Drool? I love me a good explosion.  Who doesn’t? There is something satisfying about watching that pathetic punk melt into a pile of ooze from which I am most certain he came.

I need to counteract The Glass Jaw of Jomalia too.  I certainly cannot entertain the idea of having two 60 foot babies drunk out of their heads.  I’m a responsible woman after all. I got it! The Milk Bottle of Relaxation. One squirt from its oversized nipple and boom, it’s lights out for any opponent. I even built it to provide nourishment to our pair of oversized munchkins. Just to cover all bases, the demolition twins can use their giant bottles of doom as clubs. I don’t know about you guys but being hit by a bottle at 2 am when you are half asleep is no picnic. Not only does it always seem to hit you square in the nose but it always seems to squirt milk in your eye to boot.

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The final two pieces of this nightmare puzzle are the Diaper of Unending Poop Smell and the Fussy Banshee Cry. If somehow, those two squabbling so called hero and villain get past all the other defenses I have put into place, then this has to be their undoing.  I think the twins are ready for battle. Thank you once again Keeper for leaving the light on for me.  It is a shame that you won’t be here to see your creations in their final battle.

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I leave Keeper’s workshop of the unknown in search of his warriors.  The sound of their tireless bickering leads me right to them.

“How many times must I tell you to put the toilet seat down?”

“By all that is good on this Earth woman, why can’t you look before you plant your hinny on down?”

“I shouldn’t have to look.  You should know to put the damn thing down!”

Blah, blah, blah.  Good grief, are these two boring as hell. No wonder the citizens of this city have had their fill of them.  I am looking to drive a screwdriver into my ears and I just got here. It is time to release the babies! I pushed the red button on my handy dandy remote, yes I made one, shush you, which pulls the pacifiers out of the twins’ mouths. This in turn, awakens them from their afternoon nap. Oh boy are they fussy.  My little black heart skips a beat.  I mean. Oh no! Whatever shall I do? Oh help! Help!

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The twins immediately release The Fussy Banshee cries. Windows blow out of every building on the block, raining glass on the unsuspecting couple in mid squabble. I can’t help but grinning as my ear plugs keep me safe.  They look rather silly holding their hands to their heads in an utterly failed attempt to block out the sounds. Fiddleytinks! It looks like THE MOTHERNATOR! has pulled her Aviator Pro Shower Hat down over her ears. I didn’t see that one coming. It is blocking the sound. The FATHERNATOR! is recovering as well. He seems to have sprouted a disgusting patch of grey hair out of his ears. The ear wax alone will muffle the cries. Blast! It is ok.  They will never defeat the other surprises. Let them try.

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THE MOTHERNATOR! springs to action. A Bieber army, hundreds strong have surrounded my terror twins. I have to laugh as THE FATHERNATOR! will have to hurry to destroy this growing legion. Heavens help us all, they have started to sing! No, anything but that! I can hear them through my ear plugs. Please, make it stop! THE FATHERNATOR! is blowing them to smithereens, much to the delight of the BABYNATORS! The coos and giggles fuel the Biebers into a rambunctious dance routine. I think I am going to be sick. THE MOTHERNATOR! is dancing with them! Oh the humanity of it all! This is not going as planned.  How did I get a front row seat to every pubescent girl’s dream concert? The drool! Yes! Thank all that is rock metal for the Anti-Bieber Acid drool! Those gyrating pus bags are nothing more than, well pus bags.  It was everything I dreamed it would be.  Hey, hold your applause folks, it seems that THE MOTHERNATOR! is none too pleased with recent developments.

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She’s breaking out the Garterang AND the Pantyhose of Persuasion! On poor defenseless babies, no less.  Damn. That is one cold bitch. Now THE FATHERNATOR is unleashing the G. S. O. H. Ankle Bracelet! THE BABYNATORS don’t know what to do. Thousands of genital lice gnaw on their chubby legs while taunts and silly puns are hurled at them.  They can’t even scratch with those short arms of theirs! I think it might be over, now folks.  Wait! The BABYNATORS! have one more trick up their sleeves! The milk bottles! Whoop! The pair douse themselves in their mother’s milk, chasing away the lice. The terrible itching is driving them into a frenzy as they flail their arms around wildly!

There goes the FATHERNATOR! Now that I have seen it, I think a bottle to the face is much more preferable to one that is twice your size.  He has made a rather large hole in the building across the street. To add insult to injury, the MOTHERNATOR! just got knocked right in after him.  That had to hurt. This is rapidly getting out of control. The BABYNATORS are going to level the city. Their tantrums are out of control. I think my mischief has back fired on me. What am I going to do to stop this? I wish Keeper was here. Then I could catch a ride on his Cape of A Thousand Cheetahs. Speak of the devil? Is that him? His timing could not be more perfect. Wait, what is that retched smell? The Diapers of Unending Poop Smell have been activated! Just my luck. Oh sweet merciful bunny hopper! The crash through the building must have triggered THE MOTHERNATOR’S Veil of Volton and released the excessive stench within.  This is the end for me folks.  I don’t think things can get any worse. Nope, I was wrong. Here’s Keeper in the flesh. I would recognize that cheeky grin of his anywhere. Oh no, he’s run into the stink cloud.

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“Jesus wept woman! What in the bloody hell have you been eating?”

“That wasn’t me, you loon! I am a lady after all!”

“Uh huh. Lady or not, that is ghastly. You should be proud.  I don’t think even I could concoct such a pungent bouquet. Seriously, what did you eat?”

“Oh for the love of all things awesome, Keeper! It wasn’t me. Now if you are done blathering about the smell, I think it is high time we address this mess.”

“You are a rather feisty little thing.”

“Keep it up. I’ll show you feisty.”

“Don’t tempt me darling. I hate to burst your bubble but we have bigger fish to fry at the moment. Get your mind out of the gutter and focus. The city is falling apart you know. Plus, there is this horrid smell of yours.”

“I swear Keeper. I am going to strangle you with your own cape.”

 “Keep your panties on. I’m trying to think and I have enough issues with that given the smell.”

At this point, it is taking everything I have in me to refrain from throttling the man. If it were not for the merriment in his eyes, I might have done just that. He was having way too much fun watching me squirm. He really is a cheeky bastard. God love him. All I could do was shake my head and stick out my tongue in response to his light-hearted laughter.

“Been playing in my lab, I see.”

“Guilty. So, how was Alaska?”

“Really? I don’t think now is the time to ask that but if you must know, cold as balls.”

“Damn. I guess I can’t ask for a ride there then, huh?”

“No. I think we had better fix things here first. Wow. You really made a mess.”

“Yeah. Yeah. Rub it in later, dude. Please tell me you have an idea on how to remedy all of this.”

“As a matter of fact, I do. A kindly Eskimo woman seemed fit to give me a rather toasty blanket to save my crown jewels from frostbite. With a few tweaks, I think I just might be able to save our collective bacon.”

“What do you need oh wayward wander?”

“I would love to have a few episodes of Two & a Half men, but right now, I don’t think they are stuffed in those pockets of yours. Can you sing?”

“Uh, no. I thought you wanted to save us, not dig us deeper.”

“Come on. I’m sure you have a lovely voice.  Here. Pretend you are singing your little one to sleep. Any lullaby will do.”

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As the city was crumbling around us, I belted out the only song that came to mind. Don’t laugh. Ok, go for it….”Jeremiah was a bullfrog”.  Smiling like a loon, Keeper quickly rigged up what we fondly dubbed The Blanket of Infinite Snooze. Using my handy dandy remote, we deployed the blankets over both BABYNATORS, THE MOTHERNATOR and THE FATHERNATOR who had dug themselves out of the rubble. With a flick of another button, my voice filled the air lulling the quartet into an eternal, peaceful slumber.

“Well that worked out. So, what did we learn oh stinky Queen of the Ravens?”

“That my foot looks like it will fit in your peachy bum rather nicely oh Keeper of the Frozen Balls.”

“My bum is rather peachy but it is an exit only, honey. You do well to remember that.”

“Yeah, yeah earthlings not allowed. I got ya.”

“You are one strange cookie. You know that?”

“Guilty. Now, you wanna hang around here or continue to shoot the breeze?”

“After all this mischief, I think we deserve a vacation. It is not everyday that we create life that destroys the city. I’m pretty sure the citizens are none to pleased with us at the moment. Judging by the sounds of the cavalry, I think now might be a good time to skadoodle.”

“I think that angry mob is a good indication of that. Lead on my partner in crime!”

With sirens growing louder with each passing second and the angry mob quickly advancing on our position, Keeper and I  hung a “Do not Disturb” sign on the nearest light pole and made our escape to far more suitable climates. Thank goodness for the Cape of a Thousand Cheetahs. Tropical island here we come!

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3 thoughts on “Behold! Hero & Villain United!”

  1. I love this. You really captured the whole vibe of the Behold! series and did a truly glorious job. You are more than welcome to play in my lab any time you wish. Just watch out for the jar of pickles as…they ain’t pickles.

    Liked by 1 person

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