Welcome to another edition of random stories that pop in my head based off of pictures that I find on the internet.
Today we are going to play the game, “Deceptive Photos”. Is a picture of an innocent scene really the whole story? Never fear for I am here to provide clarity for the animals you see here are up to no good.
I know what you might be thinking. This is an example of a well timed photo moments after a soccer ball disturbed a couple of chickens. Under normal circumstances, you would be correct. However, on this occasion, you have been bamboozled. Notice that the chicken on the left has leapt into the air, ready to kick the soccer ball across the dirt field. The one on the right is looking out for adversaries that would block said kick. In case you were wondering, right after this picture was snapped, the chickens beat the locals by a land slide of 16 to 0. Pretty high numbers for soccer.
Another little tidbit of information for you. In the small town of Wakatucaktumintuk, the locals are enslaved by a race of super chickens like the ones you see above. The only reason why they have not taken over the world is because I send a delegation there once a month to remind them of their place in the larger scheme of things. I send the same offering every time, a bucket of fried chicken.
They say pictures can say a thousand words. I believe in this instance, that cliché statement is an understatement. You see the poor dad penguin looking miserable in his tie, wishing he was fishing. You can see the mother penguin yelling at her offspring, presumably saying something similar to, “You are not going out in public dressed like that!”. Then there is the poor older sibling in the background, a teenager who hates life and knows more than everyone in the room.
So, is that the whole story? Well, I can tell you that the assessment above in inaccurate. In truth, the littlest penguin is a mob boss who fancies glamourous attire when he isn’t squeezing the competition. The sad looking one in the tie is his body guard. He appears to be defeated but is more aware than he looks. When in action he can kill you twenty times over before you can mutter a single syllable of surprise. The lady in the heels is the big bosses fashion consultant. Her job is to make sure that he is simple fabulous. Finally you have the “misunderstood teen” in the back ground. That’s none other than “The Nose”. He can smell out trouble faster than a wayward toddler can find some.
OK, on three…..AWWWWWW! Isn’t that just the cutest little doggie that you’ve ever seen? I mean, look at those precious little eyes. Who could say no to that face?
I can, that’s who. Before you start, no I am not one of those people who despises dogs. I have two furry bundles of joy at home. Unfortunately, this wee furry storm is not what he seems to be at first glance. He is the notorious Shoe Bandit from Albuquerque. This is the only known photograph of the fiend, taken before he stole over 1,000 bucks worth of shoes from a high class boutique. His network of spies and minions is said to be in the thousands in every major city. All breads have joined his nefarious cause. Why you ask?
Simple, kibble doesn’t buy itself. Who do you think feeds all of the stray dogs that roam our cities? It is the Shoe Bandit. His followers steal high priced shoes and sell them to the black market in exchange for food. Seems like a noble cause, right? Wrong again. I could overlook their operations if it was not for their other, hidden agenda, to teach domesticated dogs to chew their owners shoes to bits as part of a bigger, darker plan. Remember that the next time Fido chews your favorite kicks. It is all apart of a conspiracy to get you to buy another pair to feed the unhoused legions in a bid for world domination. If the Shoe Bandit gets his way, we humans will be the ones on a short leash.
It seems that even the majestic lion is preparing for the numerous factions to overthrow mankind. When one of the many threats to our way of life finally succeeds in its mission, the new cover models are ready to hit the runway. Lions are the preferred models of the animal kingdom. Their luxurious hair flows golden down their chiseled faces. Nature made them so that every muscle is taunt and can be seen flexing under their skin. Lionesses glide instead of merely walking, their movements fluid and graceful.
Gregory, pictured above, is the highest paid model in nature. He has been featured on every underground animal publication for over five years. In an interview, disguised as an admiring fan, I learned of his plan to grow out his signature locks to rival that of mankind’s Fabio. I guess news is a bit slow to travel through the more remote parts of the African grasslands where Gregory resides for most people under 30 will never get this reference.
Meet Felix. It seems that after a long day of playing with a ball of yarn, the poor baby has fallen asleep. I wish I could tell you that was the case. I even wish that I could tell you that Felix is at this moment playing a delightful game of hide-and-seek with the family children. Unfortunately, Felix is a bit of a bad kitty. Last night, for a bag of premium cat nip, he sold out his family of four to the neighborhood chapter of the Shoe Bandit’s gang. It seems that the penguins are now working together with the furry dog peddlers in a bid for human kind’s future. The penguins buy off or intimidate those that cannot be persuaded to join the Bandit’s in exchange for their allegiance to the animal uprising cause. Bad kitty indeed.
Mankind does have one hope of surviving the coming darkness. It is Flash, the horse, named so for his spiffy smile. Flash has been working since he was nothing but a fledgling to infiltrate the animal underworld. Humans have always been kind to him and to see them reduced to mere slaves is unacceptable to him. After all, it was a human that bottle fed him after his mother died. It was a human that took care of him when he misjudged the height of a fence and injured his foot. He owes his entire existence to human kindness.
Together with a group of rag-tag misfits, he has finally found the main base of operations. The battle raged on for days while humanity remained unaware just how close we all came to a new age in our existence.
The Shoe Bandit’s gang were quickly disarmed by a series of expertly executed belly rubs by the Monkey Brigade. After being told who was a good boy, they gave up their life of crime and all found loving homes.
The Penguin’s surrendered finally after being given the exclusive rights to fish in any stream, river or ocean that their heart desired. They also landed a gig on a well known nature program to document their new lives.
Felix the cat has since kicked his cat nip habit. His family was returned to him unharmed, if not a bit confused.
As for Flash, he now spends his days in a sweet pasture under the loving eyes of his human family.
Oh, and the super chickens, well let’s just say that they should be receiving their monthly “gift” right about now.