Have you ever had someone hold up a mirror and show you the reality that you have been ignoring? A few different things can happen. You can either dive deeper into the fantasy that you cling to or admit to the hard truths staring back at you. I was faced with this decision recently. I can say that it was not a fun experience. I can tell you that I was on my way to facing the reality that hurt too much to embrace fully, but a bigger part of me wanted to cling to the hope that my fantasy world had built for me. After all, I was only deluding myself. No one was set up to get hurt but me so why let go? A better question was, in the end, why was I holding on so tightly to the impossible?
After three hours of emotional insanity, I arrived at my answer. I did not like what I found, but at least, to my credit, I found the truth. Actually, to be fair, I stopped denying the truth and finally admitted that things were how they truly are and not how I wished them to be. Furthermore, I realized that I was holding on so tightly because the alternative made me feel foolish. I don’t like to appear stupid and by facing the truth of the situation, I had to admit that I was acting quite silly and not in the funny way. I have had time to think about everything now. In hindsight, I can see where I left reality behind and indulged in the magnificent. It all started with a kiss on New Year’s Eve.
I know how silly and immature that sounds. Who loses touch with reality over something as minor as a kiss? The rational part of me is giving myself a quizzical look alongside the rest of you. She shakes her head and grinds her teeth when I give in to whimsical thoughts such as romance and simple gestures of love. Normally she keeps my flaky side in check and ties her feet to the ground so that part of me does not float away with abandonment. For the most part, she does her job efficiently and I am a whole and functioning member of this thing we refer to as reality. Sometimes she gets tired and her grip slips leaving my flaky side to run things for a while. This is when I get myself into trouble and do silly things like fall in love over a chaste kiss.
You see, for me, the simple things in life give me the most pleasure. There are a million and one ways to say “I love you.” A kiss on the cheek before work, a cup of coffee in the morning, asking if you have eaten, or telling someone they are beautiful are all examples. I am so simple that you could vacuum my floors and I would be delighted, even if you cannot figure out how to wrap the cord back up when you are finished. Laugh if you want but I actually know someone who did that, bless him, his heart was in the right place.
As with all things, this special time had to come to an end. As the miles once again stretched out between us, I was left different. I knew what I wanted and dived in head first to make it my reality. I didn’t want to admit that in truth, nothing was going to happen. This was no one’s fault. You can have all of the feelings in the world, but that doesn’t mean that the circumstances were right for anything other than a lovely dream to occur. It is now at the end of the year and I am finally able to admit how the world is and that I must let go of my dream.
This year has chewed me up and spit me out on numerous occasions. Letting this final dream go has been difficult but I saw it coming. I think in a way, I wanted to let go so that I could find peace with myself. For once, I have gained perspective. I have come to accept my life as it is and can now share the hard truths of it without feeling lost, pathetic, or plain silly. Here they are in all of their naked glory.
I am a single woman of thirty-five. I am five foot-one and one hundred and seventy pounds. I don’t take as good of care of myself as I should. This is because I get lazy and figure there is no point, hence why I weigh what I do. It bothers me but not enough to do what I know that I should do to change it. I say that I will when I am ready to and that is ok by me as I am the only one who has to see me naked every morning and every night. As with everything, when I get my fill, I will do something about it. For now, I love myself and will not change how I look any time soon. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, well, take me as I am or get lost for I am me.
Looks aside, another truth is my personality. I have been told that I am weird and strange. Honestly, I kind of like that. It used to bother me that people automatically said these things without getting to know me much less speak to me. One time there were two ladies in college that told my mother that I was weird. They didn’t know that they were speaking to my mom at the time so it was sort of funny. The best part was that I have never spoken to either of them and have zero idea how they came to their conclusions. My mom did me a solid by asking if they meant her daughter. I wish I could have seen their faces. I swear, my mom is kick ass.
Ok, so I do burst out into song at random times. I like to do funny voices and might bust out a horrible sounding British accent when you least expect it. For those of you that have never heard my voice, imagine a Southerner trying to sound British. Just to be clear, I don’t have one of those cliché southern accents like you hear on the movies. I am not an extra cast member of the movie Deliverance nor am I a southern bell sitting on a porch sipping iced tea. Alright, you have me there, I do love me some sweet tea but that is beside the point.
Where was I? Oh yes, my weirdness. So, let’s see, I burst into song at random. What else? I am not very girly. People find this strange though I am not sure why. I know I have zero fashion sense. My idea of an acceptable outfit is a pair of jeans and a flannel shirt. I am the reason they created that meme about ladies in flannel looking like they misplaced their ax. I don’t always wear flannel. In reality, I only own one flannel shirt. I am a jeans and t-shirt type of lady. It is only in the last few years that I could say that I own a skirt. This is largely my best friend’s influence. She has style for days and has taught me how not to look like a potato with legs. We still have lots of work to do in this regard but she is patient.
Speaking of fashion, I am not that into makeup either. I do wear it on occasion but only when people ask me if I am feeling ok. I naturally have dark circles under my eyes and if they get too bad I wear it to keep people from asking me this a million times. It probably does not help that I make Powder look tan by comparison. Alright, I am not quite that pale but you get the picture. It doesn’t help that I am also at the age where random hairs grow in strange places on my face. My little one has fondly nicknamed me “Lady Beard”. While I keep everything plucked, it gives her certain delight to call me that randomly. It seems my weirdness has rubbed off on her for she has my strange sense of humor.
So, where does all of this lead us? I am a single woman of 35 who is short and slightly round. I burst into song at random times. I am not very feminine but I try it sometimes to throw people for a loop. My sense of humor is quirky. I love horror movies and all things related. I am socially awkward. I am liable to ask you if you like tacos and pillow forts on a first date while making a stick person out of the paper that comes off of our straws. I love thunderstorms and the night. I am not macabre or dark but a bit rocky and odd. I love my own company and have finally realized that this is ok.
I started this piece not knowing where I would end up when I finished writing. Somewhere along the way, I found a path and have accepted the truth. My dream was a sweet one. I cherish it and the one it involved dearly. I am thankful for the fantasy that I have lived in this year. It started with just a chaste, perfect kiss. It has ended with me facing myself and finding peace within. I know one day I will find what I am looking for in another. The pieces will align and I will be home. The circumstances will be right when the time comes for them to fall into place. Until then, I will be happy with myself. I have learned that I do not need someone else to make me happy. I admit that I do want someone to share my life with but I do not need it to feel complete for I already am so.
Thank you for holding that mirror up to my face and showing me the truth whether I liked to see it or not. I see my world for how it is, not how I want it to be. Fantasies are ok to visit, they are not ok to live in. For now, I shall be happy just being me for I am beautiful and special just how I am. My imperfections make me human. I accept them for they make me who I am. I have always danced to the beat of my own drums. It may be weird. It may be strange. You know what, that is grand for it is me, discarding fantasy for reality. This is just me.